the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
