Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
