maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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