I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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