Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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