just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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