i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
