Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
