I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
