I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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