I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
