if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
