Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
