I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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