You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
