I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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