It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
