i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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