Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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