Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
