Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize
