i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
