Swine flu. Run for my life!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
