DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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