shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize