dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
