I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I think my moral compass just broke
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
