I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
