I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
