My hand turned me down
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't turn off my feet"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
