You can't motorboat a personality
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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