Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
