There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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