Please, let me fuck your mom
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
