So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
