She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
