It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
