Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
