Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
where are my eyebrows?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
