So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
