I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
