This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
