Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize