My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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