Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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