Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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