i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
