nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
