Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize