I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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