I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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