He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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