I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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