I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
