I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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