Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
