$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
